Enervated Press–May 21, 2018
Washington, D.C.—Disputes continue after the Supreme Court‘s six-month-old order giving a year to evacuate a fifteen-mile-wide zone on both sides of the Potomac River. The ruling relied on a George Mason University study finding the Potomac Valley to be the only known habitat of Anopheles caducum, a mosquito species long thought to be extinct. The affected zone runs from Point of Rocks, Maryland, to Chesapeake Bay.
In a recent clarification, the court also banned mosquito-eradication efforts. Although the Public Health Service made no official comment on the ruling, it had previously supported eradication, because A. caducum is known to carry an often-lethal fever. Fever cases have increased in tandem with habitat-restoration efforts, and restoration slowed as workers have fallen ill. The plaintiffs, Friends of the Anopheles, threatened to seek a contempt order. In response, the general contractor offered plaintiffs an inspection tour on any evening after a rain.
Congress has been unable to settle where to relocate the seat of government, so elements of the government will likely be divided among all Congressional districts having a representative from the majority party. Both parties, however, overwhelmingly voted to move both Congress and the White House to Las Vegas, explaining that the opportunity to work as Congressional pages would benefit the aspiring-show-girl community. One of the few dissenters complained that locating in Las Vegas might leave Congressmen having to gamble with their own money. The leadership released a joint statement, asking “What are the chances of that?”
To further address the objection, a bill is pending that would levy a special casino tax on winnings from members of Congress. Gaming lobbyists have complained the tax would make it cheaper for casinos to rig games so Congressmen could consistently win. The House Speaker’s official response reads, in part, “What’s their point?”
Relocating the federal courts has become rancorous. Tension heightened when Justice Scalia reported seeing Justice Sotomayor swat a mosquito as she waited for a taxi. “She just swatted it like a bug,” he said.
The Senate Minority Leader, refusing to support appropriations for court relocation, suggested that federal judges might want to cash in their investments to buy insect repellent. “Either that or they might ask for professional courtesy from their fellow blood suckers,” he said.
Buying repellent is complicated by the injunction against its sale in any state bordering the Potomac. In issuing the injunction, the court relied on expert testimony that repellent interferes with the feeding habits of A. caducum. But repellent may still be obtained from local drug dealers, who will sell a small bottle for $25 if coupled with the purchase of a vial of crack. Federal agents recently intercepted another turbo-charged Dodge Challenger running repellant out of the Tennessee mountains. Experts say such trafficking is an increasing problem. Employment is up as skilled mechanics flock to Appalachia for jobs reworking engines. And some repellent runners are already transitioning to successful NASCAR careers.
The environmental community is deeply divided. Some prominent spokespersons have supported eradication. Others agree with Penelope Barker of the Fund for the Animals, who cautions against species-centrism. “We have no right to extinguish an entire mosquito species merely to reduce human disease,” she said. During Ms. Barker’s committee testimony, a long-time senator from Virginia offered her the use of his Tidewater retreat, “in the summer when them bugs should be out right good.”
The National Wildlife Federation, whose headquarters is in the affected area, blasted the opinion for grossly misconstruing the law. The Federation President said, “Discovery revealed that, over several years, the Koch brothers poured more than a million dollars into endangered-species research. It took exhaustive work for their investigators to find A. caducum. The Koch brothers only wanted leverage against Washington and didn’t really care about mosquitoes.”
The court, however, ruled that the species’ existence mattered more than the motivation for the research. Apparently encouraged, the Koch brothers are said to be funding research into a plague-bearing flea once common in southern Nevada.
During the same committee session, Republicans announced future hearings on the environmental peril arising from the Federal Register. “The print version depletes our national forests, and even the electrons necessary to support a digital version are too much for a society trying to reduce its carbon footprint,” one senator said.
